The Christmas Party


FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:     All Employees
DATE:   October 01, 2005
RE:     Christmas Party

  I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.

  And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A
Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for
employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

===================================================================

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:     All Employees
DATE:   October 02, 2005
RE:     Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation
Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We
will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

===================================================================

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:     All Employees
DATE:   October 03, 2005
RE:     Holiday Party

  Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

  Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
$10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

===================================================================

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:     All Employees
DATE:   October 04, 2005
RE:     Holiday Party

  What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in
little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

  Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms.

  Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower
arrangement for the Gay men's table.

  To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing
allowed, though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food
will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in
the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste
first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant
cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

===================================================================

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:     All *&^%ing Employees
DATE:   October 05, 2005
RE:     The *&^%ing Holiday Party

  Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,
and you'll get your *&^%ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you
know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

===================================================================

FROM:   Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO:     All Employees
DATE:   October 06, 2005
RE:     Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

  I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In  the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party.