May 11, 1999
I am writing this Wednesday morning. Could not get to it before sleep came last night.
Not a lot new to report about Leif. The same issues are present. Maintaining the oxygen level in the blood, fever of as yet unknown origin, a careful watching of the wound on the arm and other areas of the skin.
Yesterday I spoke with several people about the situation and had felt that I had processed it enough for one day. So I had a meal and went to a movie. Even after switching theaters several times I could not find one worth watching so I just went home. A certain unnameable numbness came over me, a sadness and directionlessness. I did my best to sit with it and see what it was. Several friends called and that was good.
I made contact with friends Kristine and Karen and got support there as well. Kristine thought that the numbness was a way for the body and mind to get a much needed rest after the large dose of reality and emotion that I have had lately. Karen said that what I was doing was very very important and that I should certainly continue. She suggested that I bring some things to read to Leif. Short stories or poems or the sports page. That the sound of a voice can be quite healing. That there ARE planes of reality where he knows we are there.
With all these letters I have been writing to relatives and friends I am reminded of something my aunt Harriette said to me 15 years ago. Harriette is my mother's sister, Anne, Stefan and Susan's mother, and I think she was Leif's GodMother. I was travelling through North Dakota on my way to Europe and she advised me to write to my parents at least weekly. She said, "You can't reread a telephone call". And so I did write every Sunday. And they most appreciated it. My mother even took the letters to her school to share them with her fellow teachers. And they saved them and I still have them and they are a very nice journal for ME to reread.
Keep the faith, pray for recovery and peace,